IT’S NOT ‘FREE’ IF I AM PAYING FOR IT, POEPOL!

I’ve stripped my moer for these blooming students now! Hear ye! Hear ye! This is the most important paragraph of this whole piece: The Government does not have any money! Not a single cent. It gets all its money from taxpayers! So when you are asking the ‘government’ for ‘Free’ education, you are asking ME,…

MATISSE? PFFFT! I AM BETTER THAN HIM.

An artist who could see into the future. Ahead of current trends. At times reviled. At times, revered. Bold art. Uncompromising. Startling in its simplicity. Genius in its complexity. Matisse is also not bad. The thing that struck me the most at my recent visit to the Henri Matisse exhibition at the Standard Bank Gallery…

REFLECTIONS ON A POWER CUT: MAKES YOU STHINK, DOESN’T IT?

This is a picture of my armpit. It’s a pity you can’t smell it because it would have made your reaction to this story so much more real. Ah well, maybe they will invent scratch-n-sniff editions of Facebook soon. Until then, shall I regale thee of a story of an armpit during a power cut….

MY FEAR OF BEER

‘I like a good beer buzz early in the morning.’ sings Cheryl Crow. I wouldn’t know. I don’t like beer. I detest the stuff. I don’t understand how people can get so excited about that crisp swoosh sound as you crack it open. The delirium about the foamy head. And the celebration as the dewy…

I FINALLY UNDERSTAND ANC VOTERS – BECAUSE OF A PERFECT PORK BELLY

Food can drive you to think.

The Mulberry That Didn’t Fit In

I found an odd-looking mulberry in my mulberry tree this afternoon. It had a bloody cheek being there. I mean, it is autumn, but there it was, brandishing a bright colour, as if to say “Look at me one last time before winter.” The Mulberry that Didn’t Fit In It was totally out of place….

SHOCKING DISCOVERY! MY CHILDHOOD EASTER EGG HUNTS WERE GUPTA’D!

  When we were small, Easter was a big deal. Cousins gathered round at one of the Tannie’s houses and we would all hunt for easter eggs. I hated it. Secondly, there was this competition thing to see who would get the biggest and only giant bunny or golden egg. Delivered directly by the Easter…

FULL SPEED AHEAD. FUCK THE ICEBERGS.

“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the ‘Titanic’ who waved off the dessert cart.” ― Erma Bombeck

DON’T ACT YOUR AGE

I had lunch with an old friend today. We both had hard childhoods and were in the same class, although neither of us were aware of the others hardships at the time. Around us, young people and pupils were laughing, having lunch, exploring fashion and enjoying being young. We sort of skipped all of that….

MOGALE TAVERN: PAP AND VLEIS AND SHUT THE FUCK UP

“Those white fucking Afrikaners,” said the black man angrily, looking straight at me. “No offence.” “None taken,” say I, a white fucking Afrikaner. We cheers merrily, with a crisp, icy cider. I can assure you that the statement was given and received with sincerity and openness. Compassion, even. More than that – relief. A reprieve…

THE WOLFPACK: WHAT TYPE OF HAMBURGER ARE YOU?

“There are only 40 people in the world and 5 of them are hamburgers.” Captain Beefheart. Captain Beefheart was a minor rock musician and I never listened to his music, but this quote of his rung true with me. I knew, somehow, that I was one of the only 5 hamburgers.The statement also rang true…

THE LEOPARD, MELVILLE: SUICIDE AND SEX (NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER)

  ‘What the frock are you wearing?!’ I exclaim. ‘More importantly, how much do you charge per hour?’ Miss Violet looks scrumptious. We laugh heartily and hug. We are both wearing dresses/ skirts and lipstick – for the sheer hell of it. Lunch and lipstick. ‘Frock Friday.’ The Leopard in Melville was the lucky recipient…