THE CAR THAT TAUGHT PHILOSOPHY

Katy Peri-Peri has taught me to be the Dalai Lama. This fucking car. Everything works perfectly – until it doesn’t. She’s off to the mechanic again to fix a problem I fixed before. As I watched those six sexy backlights drifting off on the back of the AA truck, again, I smiled. The smile took…

I JUST TOOK MY FIRST HALLUCINOGENIC TRIP – BY MISTAKE!

“How many of these drops must I take just to help me sleep a bit better?” I ask the mert. “Three to five drops only.” “Thanks.” I say and put the cannabis oil in my bag.   After going up to 8 drops with no effect, I started getting suspicious. “That crook! There’s probably no…

JOU MA SE VRRRR PHA! MAKING LIKE A JAPANESE TOURIST IN SOWETO.

I’ve been to Soweto before, but not as a Japanese tourist. A lunch with a friend and make sure you leave before sundown and keep your finger on speed dial to ADT, type of thing. I know we always laugh at Japanese tourists who take photos of everything, but think of it this way: ‘Japanese…

BREAKFAST IN PARYS. THE LAST ‘MISS GAY RHODESIA’S EGGS

“Parys? The last time I was in Parys, I was on the way with 10 other moffies to go make kak in Kroonstad.” I had just asked Michael Crouse, the last Miss Gay Rhodesia to come to Parys (Free State) for breakfast. I wanted him to join me in a food and travel revue. “Are…

BLYDE RIVER CANYON: ‘THE CHINESE ARE EATING OUR CAR GUARDS!”

I haven’t travelled to a place without a Spur for a while. Even Dar Es Salaam had a Spur. But that’s the point, sometimes. Go to a place without a KFC, morning traffic or radio stations you always understand. I headed off to the Blyde River Canyon in Mpumalanga, South Africa. I needed a walk…

WHAT DO THE ANC, A PORRA MECHANIC AND A NIGERIAN HAVE IN COMMON?

You can’t trust any of them. Bastards, the whole lot of them. Sorry, what was that? “That comment is ‘racist”? Wrong. The comment is racist AND prejudicial AND, for in case you could not spot it – sexist. I’ll try to throw in some ageism and body shaming as well. Here’s the thing. I took…

A PILGRIMAGE TO BETHLEHEM

I went on a pilgrimage to Bethlehem. It was an important thing for me to do. Almost in a biblical sense. It was an epic journey. Was it to discover the birth of something new? Or maybe rediscover the birth of something lost? I had to find out. Thus I went to Bethlehem. I couldn’t find…

CHAOS BUMPS INTO PEACE IN WAKKERSTROOM

In the majestic and mountainous interior of South Africa, lies Mpumalanga.In the lush and kosmos-filled foothills of Mpumalanga lies the tranquil town of Wakkerstroom. In Wakkerstroom, you fill find a quaint tin house. In the charming house you will find a woman who scared the shit out of me. Arun Govender runs a beauty clinic…

MOGALE TAVERN: PAP AND VLEIS AND SHUT THE FUCK UP

“Those white fucking Afrikaners,” said the black man angrily, looking straight at me. “No offence.” “None taken,” say I, a white fucking Afrikaner. We cheers merrily, with a crisp, icy cider. I can assure you that the statement was given and received with sincerity and openness. Compassion, even. More than that – relief. A reprieve…

THE WOLFPACK: WHAT TYPE OF HAMBURGER ARE YOU?

“There are only 40 people in the world and 5 of them are hamburgers.” Captain Beefheart. Captain Beefheart was a minor rock musician and I never listened to his music, but this quote of his rung true with me. I knew, somehow, that I was one of the only 5 hamburgers.The statement also rang true…

THE LEOPARD, MELVILLE: SUICIDE AND SEX (NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER)

  ‘What the frock are you wearing?!’ I exclaim. ‘More importantly, how much do you charge per hour?’ Miss Violet looks scrumptious. We laugh heartily and hug. We are both wearing dresses/ skirts and lipstick – for the sheer hell of it. Lunch and lipstick. ‘Frock Friday.’ The Leopard in Melville was the lucky recipient…

DULLSTROOM (DIE WORS WAS SO VARS, DIT WAS NOG AAN DIE BOER)

  1 January. Firstly, I would like to say I am glad I am still alive. To be more clear, I am surprised I am still alive. I was supposed to be at the Health Hydro, ushering in the new year sober, healthy and pure. Well, things did not quite work out that way. Instead,…