TANNIES ON DRUGS

Two white middle-aged women meet at Sandton for lunch. The conversation is not what you’d think.   “I might be a bit late,” texts the one. “I’m just doing a drug deal on the roof.” “Okay, what are you on?” “Cannabis oil, you?” “Magic Mushrooms.” I was privy to the whole tete-a-tete. Obviously, I did…

JOU MA SE VRRRR PHA! MAKING LIKE A JAPANESE TOURIST IN SOWETO.

I’ve been to Soweto before, but not as a Japanese tourist. A lunch with a friend and make sure you leave before sundown and keep your finger on speed dial to ADT, type of thing. I know we always laugh at Japanese tourists who take photos of everything, but think of it this way: ‘Japanese…

BREAKFAST IN PARYS. THE LAST ‘MISS GAY RHODESIA’S EGGS

“Parys? The last time I was in Parys, I was on the way with 10 other moffies to go make kak in Kroonstad.” I had just asked Michael Crouse, the last Miss Gay Rhodesia to come to Parys (Free State) for breakfast. I wanted him to join me in a food and travel revue. “Are…

WHAT DO THE ANC, A PORRA MECHANIC AND A NIGERIAN HAVE IN COMMON?

You can’t trust any of them. Bastards, the whole lot of them. Sorry, what was that? “That comment is ‘racist”? Wrong. The comment is racist AND prejudicial AND, for in case you could not spot it – sexist. I’ll try to throw in some ageism and body shaming as well. Here’s the thing. I took…

PEOPLE I MET AT THE FAT FARM

The “Fat Farm’ aka Health Hydro is a place where you go to relax, detox or in my case, go for a few days in a desperate attempt to slow down the rapacious pace of my weight gain and the ever-growing list of addictions and compulsive eating and drinking behaviours threatening to tear my body…

THE #1 TIP WHEN DYEING YOUR OWN EYEBROWS

  #1 DON’T FORGET YOU ARE ACTUALLY DOING IT. Set a timer or something. This will spare you the mild myocardial infarction when you accidentally see your own reflection after 40 minutes and come to the conclusion that your mirror has been possessed by a satanic clown.   In fact, set a loud ringtone or…

HERITAGE DAY. GERMISTON STYLE.

During a Heritage Day braai in my backyard, the following differences between myself and my new neighbours became apparent.The neighbours were: young, Zulu and stone cold sober. Moreover, they had a sparkly blue pool and I did not. It was a very hot day, even in the shade of the mulberry tree. “Let’s ask the…

MATISSE? PFFFT! I AM BETTER THAN HIM.

An artist who could see into the future. Ahead of current trends. At times reviled. At times, revered. Bold art. Uncompromising. Startling in its simplicity. Genius in its complexity. Matisse is also not bad. The thing that struck me the most at my recent visit to the Henri Matisse exhibition at the Standard Bank Gallery…

MY FEAR OF BEER

‘I like a good beer buzz early in the morning.’ sings Cheryl Crow. I wouldn’t know. I don’t like beer. I detest the stuff. I don’t understand how people can get so excited about that crisp swoosh sound as you crack it open. The delirium about the foamy head. And the celebration as the dewy…

SHOCKING DISCOVERY! MY CHILDHOOD EASTER EGG HUNTS WERE GUPTA’D!

  When we were small, Easter was a big deal. Cousins gathered round at one of the Tannie’s houses and we would all hunt for easter eggs. I hated it. Secondly, there was this competition thing to see who would get the biggest and only giant bunny or golden egg. Delivered directly by the Easter…

FEASTING ON FUGARD, PICKING ON PICASSO

As a birthday present for my friend Kathleen, I took her to see a play, with lunch thrown in. A play by the famous Fugard, nogal – at the Market Theater, nogal. The purpose was to inspire her to get back on the stage and to write her a one woman show. The plan worked,…