GOD DAMN YOU, TIM NOAKES!

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And then there was light!

I had an epiphany about nutrition and exercise once before. It was awesome. I read Atkins’s book on the low-carb diet. It was a blinding flash of light. I saw the light and it was beautiful. The light was so bright, it pulled me through the tunnel of bad eating and drinking. It pulled, pushed and inspired me. I KNEW. I saw the good and evil behind what I was eating and drinking and I clicked over to the Atkins diet without a second’s hesitation. I stopped drinking and did mad exercise. I was euphoric. Best health years of my life.

Over next 10 years, 20 kilograms and 500 litres of wine the light faded somehow. Mystery.

I saw the light again this holiday season. And it was fucking horrible.

I got Tim Noakes’ book for Christmas. I read it. Bad mistake.

That epiphenous light struck me so hard it kicked me right up the ass.

God damn you, Tim Noakes, you gave me the one thing I can’t handle – the truth. The truth is, I have been, by choice, poisoning and fattening my body. I have conveniently forgotten all I know about nutrition and exercise because it is easier to be ignorant. Now I KNOW, Tim Noakes!!! I can’t ever go to my favourite spot at the Mugg N Bean again and look at the Lemon Meringue Pie the same again, because of you. I know words like ‘cruciferous vegetables.’ Who knows shit like that? I even tried to find a way to prove you wrong, but the science is incontrovertible. You are right. Carbs are wrong. You have opened my eyes. Fuck you. Maybe the light is not for everyone, have you thought about that? No. all you think about is healing people and being right all the time.

Now that I’ve opened the Pandora’s box of knowledge, life is ghastly. Everything is a ‘decision’ or a ‘choice’ because you KNOW. I eat that kak banting bread that tastes like plywood because I KNOW. Shamepies, mama, my local Spur is probably going bankrupt because I don’t have my normal ‘Chicken-n-chips-onion-rings=brownies-ice-cream” like I did so often, because I KNOW.

I have seen the light and I cannot un-see it. It is there at the end of the tunnel, but this time it is not pulling me or pushing me. It is just there. I think the light at the end of the tunnel is saying to me (I think so, because it’s not fucking being helpful this time): “How many more chances do you want at this thing called ‘life’ sweetheart? If you want me, come to me. However you do it, run, limp, leopard crawl. This is your journey.’

So I am slowly edging towards the tunnel, but am avoiding eye contact. “Stop looking at me tunnel, I am just sitting here at the entrance. Wat kyk jy, fokken tonnel?”

Other people in my family, by the way, jumped on the Banting Bandwagon around the same time as me. Some have lost 5kg in two weeks! People are reporting better bowel movements and disappearance of heartburn. Their skins are sparkling. I think I have noticed less bloating and I don’t have to put on my jean with a coathanger anymore. More importantly, the fact that I made the decision to do something and am therefore feeling a sense of overwhelming relief is the biggest benefit I am receiving from Noakes at this stage.

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I am annoyed that everyone is losing weight except me. Mystery. What could it be? Hmmmm… Random thought, don’t even know why I am bringing it up, probably doesn’t mean anything…. But could it be: THE FLYING PINK ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM?

Could it be booze?

Noakes says in his book that alcohol consumption is an individual choice. Some alcohols, like dry white wine and neat spirits like vodka, contain few carbohydrates, so technically can be allowed on a low-carb diet.

“You’re a grown-up and how much booze you choose to drink is up to you.”

Jesus, Noakes! You are allowing me to decide how much vodka I can drink? You are?!

Okay, I’ve decided.

 

I have just bought two books on alcohol abuse and alcohol addiction.

I am not stupid.

I am not opening those books.

I am not making that mistake again.

 

 

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5 Comments Add yours

  1. SidevieW says:

    Oh dear, drowning your best efforts. Or is it joyful anticipation of the delights ahead that you are so gaily celebrating?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Absolutely Spot on with Noakes and Atkins Diets. We will suffer whilst we lose weight (mass) and we will revel in putting on those kilo’s again …not IF but WHEN we return to our previous gastronomic or Mc D kFC and other junk food regimes.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. asksamson says:

      Thanks for reading. Why is life so hard – and so simple…

      Like

  3. tabby1963 says:

    Once you see it, you can’t unsee it. That’s exactly it. It becomes your personal decision then, eat the stuff that makes you sick and fat, or kick it to the kerb and learn to embrace health again.

    Like

  4. “Saw the light again this holiday season. And it was fucking horrible.”- ha ha, I can relate! Sometimes I like the illusions…..

    Like

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