CONFESSIONS OF A SUGAR ADDICT

Hi, my name is Vivienne and I am a sugar addict. It has been 48 hours since my last binge. I devoured the whole dessert section of the The View in Westcliff by myself, not caring that I embarrassed my friend, scared patrons and horrified the Maitre’ D. I now take the slow road to…

LIQORISH (LIQUID COCAINE, AND A PIG’s MUFFIN TOP)

  “You have to try the Pear and Ginger Martini’, Mario said, with the look of a drug dealer trying to make a sale. My producer Cheryl and I were being treated to a year-end lunch at Liqorish Bistro in Bryanston’s Nicolway centre. Mario is da boss at Ministry of Illusion, a highly regarded post…

THE FAN (A dance with the orient)

  What do gumboot dancing, a Chinaman and ‘Langarm Sokkie Treffers’ have in common? I taught the first to the second to the beat of the third. It was part of an impromptu cultural exchange program I invented in a Germiston pub – made possible by Overmeer. I vaguely recalled the Chinese man being game…

I killed more animals than Melissa Bachman!

I have a confession to make. I have probably exterminated more animals than Melissa Bachman. Here’s the thing: I love animals. I love loving them as pets. I also love eating them, drenched in a Spur Bar-B-Q sauce or wearing their skins with a pair of well-fitting Levi jeans. Ostriches are my favourites. You can…

WANDIE’S PLACE (SOWETO)

Do yourself a favour and go to Wandie’s Place, Soweto for lunch. Why? Because it is not the fucking Spur. GENEROSITY And Wandie greets you at the door with a smile and a glass of wine. He has built his business up since it was a shebeen in the 80’s. I took 2 friends there….

KRISMIS SKOP

I’ve been avoiding the Skop issue for months now. Samson (the homeless man I am taking care of) keeps asking for ‘Skop’ (Sheeps head) and I kept on making excuses. “Woolworths was sold out AGAIN!’ I offered, shaking my head at their incompetence. Samson was not impressed. “You don’t get it at Woolworths! You have…

THE VIEW, WESTCLIFF (FANCY)

  “Please wear shoes,” my friend pleaded. “The place is fancy.” Today, my dear friend Cathy Fontanot took me for lunch at ‘The View’, Westcliff. I figured, if I was going to wear shoes, I might as well wear my only pair of high heeled shoes and comb my hair. I wore my krismis frock…