PEOPLE I MET AT THE FAT FARM

The “Fat Farm’ aka Health Hydro is a place where you go to relax, detox or in my case, go for a few days in a desperate attempt to slow down the rapacious pace of my weight gain and the ever-growing list of addictions and compulsive eating and drinking behaviours threatening to tear my body…

TOP 3 REASONS FOR SPRAYING DOOM IN YOUR FACE

Doom, jou lekker ding! Doom, you delicious thing! You have blessed me with such a delightful range of debates and intellectual engagements in my life. Last week, I sprayed myself with Doom right in the face – live on air. I was mimicking what happens to an infamous South African pastor who sprays his congregants…

THE #1 TIP WHEN DYEING YOUR OWN EYEBROWS

  #1 DON’T FORGET YOU ARE ACTUALLY DOING IT. Set a timer or something. This will spare you the mild myocardial infarction when you accidentally see your own reflection after 40 minutes and come to the conclusion that your mirror has been possessed by a satanic clown.   In fact, set a loud ringtone or…

The Mulberry That Didn’t Fit In

I found an odd-looking mulberry in my mulberry tree this afternoon. It had a bloody cheek being there. I mean, it is autumn, but there it was, brandishing a bright colour, as if to say “Look at me one last time before winter.” The Mulberry that Didn’t Fit In It was totally out of place….

CHAOS BUMPS INTO PEACE IN WAKKERSTROOM

In the majestic and mountainous interior of South Africa, lies Mpumalanga.In the lush and kosmos-filled foothills of Mpumalanga lies the tranquil town of Wakkerstroom. In Wakkerstroom, you fill find a quaint tin house. In the charming house you will find a woman who scared the shit out of me. Arun Govender runs a beauty clinic…

DON’T ACT YOUR AGE

I had lunch with an old friend today. We both had hard childhoods and were in the same class, although neither of us were aware of the others hardships at the time. Around us, young people and pupils were laughing, having lunch, exploring fashion and enjoying being young. We sort of skipped all of that….

THE LEOPARD, MELVILLE: SUICIDE AND SEX (NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER)

  ‘What the frock are you wearing?!’ I exclaim. ‘More importantly, how much do you charge per hour?’ Miss Violet looks scrumptious. We laugh heartily and hug. We are both wearing dresses/ skirts and lipstick – for the sheer hell of it. Lunch and lipstick. ‘Frock Friday.’ The Leopard in Melville was the lucky recipient…

CONFESSIONS OF A SUGAR ADDICT

Hi, my name is Vivienne and I am a sugar addict. It has been 48 hours since my last binge. I devoured the whole dessert section of the The View in Westcliff by myself, not caring that I embarrassed my friend, scared patrons and horrified the Maitre’ D. I now take the slow road to…