Katy Peri-Peri has taught me to be the Dalai Lama. This fucking car. Everything works perfectly – until it doesn’t. She’s off to the mechanic again to fix a problem I fixed before. As I watched those six sexy backlights drifting off on the back of the AA truck, again, I smiled. The smile took…
I JUST TOOK MY FIRST HALLUCINOGENIC TRIP – BY MISTAKE!
“How many of these drops must I take just to help me sleep a bit better?” I ask the mert. “Three to five drops only.” “Thanks.” I say and put the cannabis oil in my bag. After going up to 8 drops with no effect, I started getting suspicious. “That crook! There’s probably no…
GOD DAMN YOU, TIM NOAKES!
Banting made me see the light about nutrition. And I didn’t like it.
CATCH A WAKE UP! PEOPLE BRANDISHING OLD SA FLAGS!
I had a few minutes and a glass of wine left before sunset so I thought I’d have a rant about the recent ‘Black Monday’ protest. Fok! PEOPLE WHO WAVE THE OLD SA FLAG Ok, I support your right to wave whatever flag you want. I would even support a march where only old…
I WENT TO A TRADITIONAL HEALER, A MEDICAL DOCTOR AND A PSYCHIATRIST AT THE SAME TIME AND COMPARED NOTES.
THE HEALER “I’ve looked at your blood pressure and your organs and everything is fine. There is no disease.” The traditional healer agreed with the Doctor on that score. “When did you take my blood pressure?” I ask the Healer, incredulously. “When you blew on the bones.” When I entered, she asked me to light…
TANNIES ON DRUGS
Two white middle-aged women meet at Sandton for lunch. The conversation is not what you’d think. “I might be a bit late,” texts the one. “I’m just doing a drug deal on the roof.” “Okay, what are you on?” “Cannabis oil, you?” “Magic Mushrooms.” I was privy to the whole tete-a-tete. Obviously, I did…
THE DAY ZUMPIE FELL!
I marched to Pretoria today. Never marched before. And I must say, I was humbled. I partook in a protest that had no race, no elitism, no classism, no comparing who is ‘better’ or ‘bigger’. 120,000 of us showed up – in our modesty, to march against Zumpie. So I have this to say: “Fuck…
JOU MA SE VRRRR PHA! MAKING LIKE A JAPANESE TOURIST IN SOWETO.
I’ve been to Soweto before, but not as a Japanese tourist. A lunch with a friend and make sure you leave before sundown and keep your finger on speed dial to ADT, type of thing. I know we always laugh at Japanese tourists who take photos of everything, but think of it this way: ‘Japanese…
I STOLE A SUNFLOWER AND NOBODY KILLED ME! (DIE LIED VAN JONG SUID-AFRIKA)
“You don’t know me, but you look interesting. Can I come over for a braai on Sunday?” “Ok.” I liked Sonja before I even met her. From the little I saw of her Facebook posts, she guarded her plot with a gun and a 2m long yellow snake. She is not afraid of a dop…
BREAKFAST IN PARYS. THE LAST ‘MISS GAY RHODESIA’S EGGS
“Parys? The last time I was in Parys, I was on the way with 10 other moffies to go make kak in Kroonstad.” I had just asked Michael Crouse, the last Miss Gay Rhodesia to come to Parys (Free State) for breakfast. I wanted him to join me in a food and travel revue. “Are…
BLYDE RIVER CANYON: ‘THE CHINESE ARE EATING OUR CAR GUARDS!”
I haven’t travelled to a place without a Spur for a while. Even Dar Es Salaam had a Spur. But that’s the point, sometimes. Go to a place without a KFC, morning traffic or radio stations you always understand. I headed off to the Blyde River Canyon in Mpumalanga, South Africa. I needed a walk…
OF SPURS AND SPONKIES AND WHY MORE WOMEN SHOULD BE TELLING MEN TO ‘FUCK OFF!”
Sunday afternoon in Germiston. All quiet, except for the gentle chirpings of birds, the odd dog barking and NG Kerk bells chiming dolefully in the distance. I was taking my little dog, ‘Sponkie’ for our weekly walk. My busy sister, Marcia, for once had time to join us. So this aggressive oke (of the Brandy-and-coke…
GOING SOMEWHERE WITH VIV 